day 54

woke up with the same feeling today as with other days...that heavy feeling when i know i cannot see her for real this day. but my day has to go on. for the days and weeks and months to come, i will have to get used to waking up everyday knowing that i will not see her for a while. i will use that to drive to work harder, earn more, save more,  and buy my ticket to her. that will be one of the highlights of my life for sure, to see her again after a long while.

i am a very avid fan of basketball, it is my stress reliever. when i am on the court playing, i forget everything that's bothering me. from work, to family, to personal issues and the world outside the basketball court. i'm just there, focused on the game and enjoying it. lately, i always wanted to play basketball as long as i can so that i can temporarily get her off my mind. it works perfectly every time until yesterday. at one point in the game, i just stood still, wondered where she is and what she is doing. i don't know why she suddenly popped into my mind that time. maybe because the game was not as intense or i just remembered how she said that she loves seeing me playing basketball in my jerseys. but i hated it that even in my most effective way of forgetting about our situation, missing her found  a way to infiltrate it. missing her-54: me-0.

we are both in a stage of our lives where we are trying to establish ourselves as professionals. her just starting and me a little deeper. she has now moved to LA for her internship and i am very happy and excited for her. i remembered how great the feeling before when i received my first pay check. i felt so confident as if i could conquer the world knowing that i can stand up out there in my own feet. her internship will cost us time for each other but that is one necessary sacrifice we have to make. that's for her future and there's no arguing about that. i want her to succeed in what she does, her success is mine too.

i have always pondered why i miss her so intensely. as i have said, i have never loved somebody this much but i am pretty sure there are other things that contributed. i thought maybe because those one month and a half that we were together, we can do anything we want. it was like were moving on a high gear and when she left for the states, we have to shift down to a lower gear and be stuck there for a while. that difference in momentum must have been one of the reasons. that i wanted more but obviously we can't do anything about it. i guess all the things i want to do with her will have to wait for some time.

tonight, i might sleep with the same feeling when i woke up, it will be a vicious cycle that will go on till i will stop missing her. praying before going to bed helps me a lot. i pray that everything will be fine for us and that this relationship will be something that will inspire us and not something that will hinder us. i pray every night since for her safety and her happiness as well as for mine too. i love her and i miss her so much and there's no arguing that.